God invented the Beard in 293 BC when he blessed the previously beardless Moses The Inadequate with a stylish goatee that was later imitated by pirates, beatniks and Skeet Ulrich. Fully bearded and thus very virile, intelligent and as strong as an (bearded) ox, the newly christened “Moses The Bearded Destroyer of Hairless Men” undertook God’s holy mission of ending the enslavement of the Jews by defeating the Evil Psychic Beardless Pharaoh in a game of air hockey.
Moses won the game without dropping a point. But he slew the Pharaoh anyway and led the Jews out of Egypt. He would later part the Red Sea (of Doom) by studiously stroking his magnificent goatee and praising The Beard of God. The Jews would spend 150 years in the wilderness worshipping and grooming Moses’ goatee until he died at the grand old age of 6000 years old. His beard was five miles long and full of sandwiches and treasure. Sandwiches are awesome. But not as much as beards.
In recent years a group of Swedish scientists and their attractive female assistants at the Gothenburg Institute have found undisputable scientific evidence that men with facial hair are wiser and more sexually potent than their beardless contemporaries. The group concluded that throughout history it has been proven categorically that the men with beards that have successfully toppled armies with nothing more than a twirling of the whiskers. They also discovered that it was the prehistoric bearded men who were the first to discover fire, by rubbing two sticks together and fanning the fragile flames with their humongous mutant beards. The bearded man went on to invent the wheel, create the broadsword and defeat the army of evil (beardless) dinosaurs that were trying to enslave mankind.
He even taught dogs how to fetch.
It is without doubt because of this that bearded men are afforded such high status throughout the universe.
Men who remain beardless are known to show a lack of cleanliness and refinement. In fact it is well known that man without a beard is prone to crankiness and often exhibits an eccentric disposition. Beardless men have a long and troubled history throughout the known universe that has dogged each and every one of them like the filthy blasphemous heretics that they are.
Look at Michael Jackson.
In 2014, the United Nations will seek sanctions against any country that does not have at least 3 million bearded men and women in positions of authority. By that time, Hilary Clinton will be president of the United States and she will have brought peace and prosperity to the universe by being the first Bearded Lady to run a country. Blessed by God’s Beard, Hilary will be transformed from the meek bleached moustached hagbag into hairy-faced Goddess of Power and Righteousness who will wreak terrible, terrible (bearded) vengeance on the haters of The Beard.
All hail the awesomeness of The Beard!
(via a Facebook group posting)